9 Restaurant-Gift-Shop Curiosities to Make You Laugh and Cry

I saw all this stuff a couple weekends ago in the gift shop of a family restaurant. I’m not going to call it out by name because I always fear I’m going to get a cease-and-desist that says PLEASE STOP MOCKING OUR WARES but suffice it to say it rhymes with FRACKER DARYL. 

2. Actual proof that baldness and pigtails aren’t mutually exclusive

3. The solution to our “some of us own fewer than three Paula Deen cookbooks and have yet to contract diabetes” problem

4. The cat version of Ron Swanson

5. The world’s three least likely double features

6. A squirrel with a mouthful of scorched corn, aka the national symbol of friendship

7. That time in the 80s when Sean Connery went all Chris Gaines and released a gospel album

8. #387 on the official list of Things No Sane Person Would Pay $19.99 For

9. This evening’s nightmare (sorry)

I recommend this blog post be added to the “All About America” capsules periodically blasted into space to discourage aliens from interacting with us. We should include the following card with a note that says:

“Seriously, we can’t even manufacture a funny card. Our evolution has halted at ALMOST FUNNY.”

Dear aliens, Please don’t come conquer us yet. Wait until we’ve learned to stop making one terrible manufacturing decision after another, or at least gained the perspective needed to stop photoshopping hats on cats. Only then will we be of any use to you. 

Love,

America

P.S. A diet of giant lollipops and circus peanuts has made our flesh taste exceptionally bad. Go eat some Danish people instead. They taste of sweet cheese and cherries and happiness, what with all that free child care and gender equality. Kisses!